


'Tis the Season for Catastrophe

by coulsons-hawk (allyoop)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Holidays, Humor, Poor Coulson, literally sugar plum fairy level of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2012-12-12
Packaged: 2017-11-20 23:49:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/591067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/coulsons-hawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Santa Thor brings disaster and the team discovers that Coulson has a heart after all</p><p> </p><p>        “I fear I have misread the Christmas legends of yore. Is there not a great war of elves armed with drums, and great antlered steeds that rise into the sky to pull Christmas eve into Christmas day? Do not the Midgardians then feast all night, joyous and singing of a battle well won?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	'Tis the Season for Catastrophe

**Author's Note:**

> 'Tis the season for holiday insanity (and fluff).

 

           This fic has art [here](http://coulsons-hawk.tumblr.com/post/37805608058/i-fear-i-have-misread-the-christmas-legends).

* * *

 

           He pushed aside a melting snowman clutching a wreath like a lifesaver as he fought his way towards the entrance to Stark Tower. Coulson has seen a wide variety of strange in his line of work, but he must admit that this was a first.  He yanked open the door, sending a fleet of nutcrackers toppling sideways. Coulson ducked under a bucking reindeer and was ushered by a shield wielding Steve into the den, which seemed to be operating as command center for the team. The door was slammed behind him, keeping the tide of Christmas at bay.

           “What happened?”

           “You mean _who_ happened?” Barton was at his side, picking silver glitter out of his hair.

           “Loki?”

           “Actually our favorite blond tourist may have started this. “ Stark appeared from the couch where Bruce was attempting to apply burn lotion to his cheek. “I’m fine, I’m fine. You should have seen the other guy.”

           “You mean the giant animated gingerbread man who breathes fire? Yeah, you really beat him up by running away so fast. Run, run as fast as you can….”

           “Shut up, Hawk. Aren’t you to blame? You’re the one who told Thor - ” A roasted chestnut smacked Tony in the mouth, making him sputter and spit it out.

           Coulson slowly turned, his eyes narrowed. “ _Barton_.”

           “I did nothing! Nothing bad, at least.” Coulson crossed his arms. “I may have suggested that Christmas carols are actual stories about the holiday season and that Christmas isn’t ‘real’ without reindeer and snowmen and –”

           “Attacking tin toys?” Stark interjected.

           “Sounds like Iron Man.” Clint snorted.

           “I’m sorry, did I ask for your opinion? Because for one thing the suit is _not_ tin, it is a highly advanced form of-”

           “How did Thor manage this?”

           “That’s where Loki comes in. Apparently he overheard Thor up on Asgard talking about surprising us with a, and I quote ‘Midgardian festival of fat men and free gifts’ and Loki being Loki decided to enhance Thor’s plans.” Clint roughly shook his head upside down. “Goddamn glitter herpes. Who invented this stuff?”

           Coulson took Barton’s head in his hand, pulled a wet-wipe from a pocket, and swiped it across his face taking away most of the glitter.

           Barton pouted. “I’m not a child.”

           “And I’m not your babysitter.” He looked at the rest of the Avengers. “And I do not appreciate always coming home to see the Tower in shambles. Captain?”

           “On it.” Rogers stepped into the center of the room, game face on. “Stark, I need your floor plans and camera access. Banner, research the power source of these things. Snowmen don’t just start building themselves. Romanov, Coulson, and Barton, we need to keep this contained to the Tower. Find a way outside and start picking off the enemies on the outskirts. Stark and I will find an effective route to start flushing these toys out and we’ll meet you on the grounds. We’ll attack from both sides. Should keep this infestation down.”

           “Problem.”

           “Yes, Hawkeye?”

           “I, uh, maybe perhaps have left my bow and arrows elsewhere. Permission to take small side-route on the way outside to retrieve equipment?”

           “Permission granted. Take out as many by hand first, though.”

           “Of course, Cap. I just want my bow so I can pick off these toys from the air.” He shuddered. “I don’t want to get too close. The freaky things don’t blink at all.” Natasha grinned at him, reminding him of a certain Raggedy-Ann doll that bit him on the way inside. She had an idea.

           “First one to kill Twelve days of Christmas doesn’t have to clean the tower.”

           “Romanov, that is hardly SHIELD appropriate behav-“ Coulson was elbowed aside by Clint, who tripped Stark in the scramble to the door. Natasha threw a well-timed cushion at Clint, which caused him to slow just long enough for her to be the first out into the fray. Coulson glanced at Captain incredulously.

           “Partridge in a pear tree, huh? I wonder how literal Natasha is taking these interpretations…”

           “Captain, you can’t be serious.”

           “The whole mess was due to Thor wanting to fill the Tower with Christmas spirit. You might as well join in. When is the last time you had fun?”

           His lips twitched in a smile. “Well if it’s Captain’s orders…” He whipped out his com. “Agent Coulson to Avengers, you better be fast because-” (there was the sound of a loud thump) “I just took out a bird-sized elf on top of our pearwood cabinet. Point one to me.”

 

            The yard was overrun with holiday spectacle gone very wrong. Clint had managed to retrieve his equipment and was now attempting to shoot wind-up drummer boys while keeping the snowmen from crawling too high towards his spot on the second floor balcony. Natasha had effectively slain 5 Christmas dinner geese (stuffing and all) and was chasing down the sixth before a particularly carnivorous Blitzen ate it. Tony had decided that female reindeer count as ladies dancing and he attempted to woo a reindeer out of his garage. Banner had retreated back to the kitchen, to frantically call SHIELD HQ to find Thor, while simultaneously defending the fridge against Frosty looking for a way to re-freeze. Captain Rogers, always the sane one, appeared to be fighting just to stop the advancing holiday cheer from overrunning the place. If Coulson hadn’t passed him so quickly, he would have seen him pocketing the yellow bands from the tin soldier’s hats. It was red and green chaos and Coulson secretly loved it. He had to fight back genuine laughs as he saw Clint dragged into a pile of melted slush by the snowmen. They seemed to be hugging him and thawing faster from his body heat.

            “Coulson!” He had spotted his handler running by. “Help me, they’re drowning me in their love. I usually enjoy hugs but this is ridiculous.” With a few well-placed kicks, the snowmen were decapitated and dissolving into puddles. “Jeezus that is cold, I think I’ve got frost bite in places no one should know.” Coulson turned away from him, shoulders shaking. “Hey, man? Are you okay? Are you- Oh my god you’re laughing, you are actually laughing. Avengers!” Clint shouted. “Coulson is giggling like a school girl. I forfeit this stupid contest, I can’t fight another teddy bear because _Coulson is laughing!_ ”

            “If you keep saying that,” Coulson snorted, trying to take a breath to calm his chuckles. “The novelty will wear off.”

            Stark landed next to them. “No no no, don’t stop now. I gotta hear what Agent’s laugh sounds like. Is it as empty as his soulless eyes as he makes me sign yet another ‘I will not invent an accidental weapon of mass destruction’ contract?”

            “I’ve heard that those who hear the laugh are doomed to die within the week. From a smile so large it stretched their head all the way open.”

            “Ooh, good one ‘Tasha. There’s a rumor that the Coulson laugh is actually so low that the normal human cannot hear it, but only sense it as it rumbles and shakes the earth.”

            “You-” He was clutching at his stomach. “Stop.” When was the last time he lost control like this? He was starting to get cramps from laughing.

            “You know what this moment needs?” Rodgers approached, knocking an approaching elf wielding present grenades into the pile of slush.

            “Sometimes you are worth listening to, Apple Pie.” Clint slung his bow over his shoulder and leapt at Coulson, throwing his arms around his waist. Natasha stretched herself around his shoulders, smiling into his neck.

“I was going to say _a photo_ but…” Steve beamed with pride at his team and encircled them all in his arms. Coulson heard Tony mutter “fuck it” and reach around the whole group, smashing them closer together.

            “My friends! Are you joining arms in the festive Midgardian tradition of the ‘huddle’? Have thee begun the fine sport of the Christmas football game without Thor?”

            “You chose an awfully bad time to arrive, Blondie. Where you’ve been all day?” said Tony. Thor didn’t answer but just bear hugged the whole group. Everyone moaned as their ribs made creaking noises and their breath was squeezed out.

            “I love the enthusiasm,” choked out Barton. “But I am an inch away from being impaled by the Iron Poker here and I think Coulson may have died at the gooey center of this hug.”  Thor stepped back and the group collapsed.

            “Iron Poker? What is that supposed to-”

            “Your elbow is super sharp! You could’ve stabbed me in my gut.”

            “What about those steel abs you’re always bragging about? Don’t they protect you a bit, Barton, or have you been exaggerating? I’ve seen you eating those gingerbread men after shooting them down. I think your steel is more like f-”

            “Are you wearing a Santa hat, Thor?” Rogers diverted their attention to the Asgardian team member.

            “Yes! When I reached word from honorable doctor Banner, I hurried to our place of living to lend hand in this battle of Christmas. I thought the hat of Santa was the proper helmet to wear in such a fight.”

            “Thor, you do realize you kinda started this whole thing?” Stark stood, dusting tinsel from his suit. Clint punched his arm. Thor’s face had fallen dramatically.

            “Don’t be a Grinch, Stark. He’s real sorry for the mess, right?”

            “I fear I have misread the Christmas legends of yore. Is there not a great war of elves armed with drums, and great antlered steeds that rise into the sky to pull Christmas eve into Christmas day? Do not the Midgardians then feast all night, joyous and singing of a battle well won?”

            Coulson stood to his full height. “You are exactly right, Mr. Odinson. That is exactly what the legends say. Which is why the Avengers are going to finish the last of the enemies, clean every bit of debris in the yard, and then we are going to sit down and feast.” Coulson looked around, business face on. “Correct, team?”

            A resounding “Yes, sir!” echoed. The group set out, at the ready for any straggling nutcrackers or ornament grenades. Natasha appeared beside Coulson.

            “You know if you wanted to spend Christmas eve with us, all you had to do was ask.”

            “I saw an opportunity and I took it. Like a good agent.” He eyed her. “A good agent should be participating in clean up.”

            “Twelve drummer toys, eleven piped gingerbread men, ten leaping elves, nine ballerina dolls, eight plastic cows, seven Bella Swan figurines, six Christmas dinner geese, five halos from angel ornaments, four cellphones that hover, three china birds made in France, two Turtle candy boxes, and I technically punched Clint when he was in a tree.”

           “ _Agent._ ”

           “It was a non-lethal blow.”

           “Fine. You do not have to clean. But let it stand that SHIELD does not condone any of this behavior and everyone will be officially reprimanded for this incident.”

           “But what does Phil Coulson think of this behavior?”

           He looked across the yard at Thor swinging his hammer at tiny elves like croquet, Barton scrambling up a tree with an arrow in his mouth Rambo-style, Iron Man using way too much power in his blasters to melt the few remaining snow monsters, Captain using his shield to scoop and toss broken windup toys at Banner who caught them in boxes and slammed the lids shut.

           “I think this is as close to normal as we will ever get.”

           “It’s good though.” She had a small smile, which was rare.

           “Yes, it is good.”

           Coulson may hate always discovering the team mid-catastrophe when he comes, but he’ll never regret assigning himself to be their SHIELD liaison. The Avengers have grown to become his family. And the best part about holidays is spending time with your ridiculous, disastrous, lovable family.

**Author's Note:**

> This was way too fun to write.  
> Comments and kudos super appreciated :)


End file.
